So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
