This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
