i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I will be naked everywhere
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
