hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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