Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Welp...herpes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
