Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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