Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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