Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
