I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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