someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
