Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
