I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
