My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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