I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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