I hope mine doesn't look like that
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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