Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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