Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
