I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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