nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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