Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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