meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
