I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
