I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
