i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My penis needs a shock collar
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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