I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
