I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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