Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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