The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
