Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
