I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
