He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
