oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
