What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
