Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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