I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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