I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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