so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Randomize
