I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
