I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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