I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
