a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
