Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
