I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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