I think I died a long time ago.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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