How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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