nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
