That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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