I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize