I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
