When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
