For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
