Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
