My friends, they love my intelligence
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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