Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
