you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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