Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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