The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
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