Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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